Published: January 12, 2009 03:26 pm      

The misadventures of an Ohio plumber

Once upon a time, there was a senator who decided to run for president.

It was going good at first, but then his opponent, who just happened to be a history-making candidate, started to pick up some steam, then people started submitting his running mate to some very serious scrutiny, and before he knew it, he was rounding third and heading into home with a lot of ground to make up.

So he and his people looked around for something that we, the people, would take an interest in, some symbol of modern America that we could all rally behind.

And so, on Oct. 15, 2008, in the third and final presidential debate, John McCain introduced us all to a plumber named Joe.

Three weeks later, John McCain proved himself to be the ultimate class act, delivering a concession speech filled with humility and selfless patriotism.

As for Joe, well…Joe just can’t seem to go away.

When the campaign was over, Sen. McCain kept right on being Sen. McCain, and apart from a joint appearance with President-elect Obama shortly after his loss, he’s kept largely away from the spotlight.

Joe, on the other hand, took it upon himself to look for any spotlight he could find and dive in front of it.

First he started showing up at McCain rallies, even going so far as to take questions from supporters on things like Obama and Israel (no one thought to ask him about the ultimate struggle between PVC and copper piping, I guess).

Then he made the rounds on every news show known to man, where he was asked the same questions but gave much more vague answers. Then he got a publicist, because lord knows plumbers can’t get by without someone to book their talk show appearances.

Even as the campaign faded into the sunset, Joe just kept right on trucking, newfound publicist in tow. And of course, the first thing he rolled out was a book.

Joe’s book, “Fighting for the American Dream,” hit the shelves in December. In it he reveals the struggles of his life (which are sincerely troubling), as well as his thoughts on Sen. McCain.

There’s nothing like kicking a man you once supported in the ribs after he loses an election, is there?

According to a piece published by the Toledo Blade in December, Joe was not a big McCain fan, but apparently considered McCain the lesser of two evils.

In fact, he goes so far as to hint that the only reason he supported McCain was to ensure that we would have a Republican president and Democratic Congress. That way, nothing gets done. Behold, the brilliant political theory of Joe the Plumber.

And of course, Joe made sure we all knew that he wasn’t writing the book to cash in on his short-lived fame; and in all fairness, maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he wrote the book so that he would all remember him a little longer; that way he can cash in later.

So, why am I bringing all this up? Well, because just last week it was reported that Joe the Plumber is about to become Joe the War Correspondent.

Yes, Joe, the same Joe who answered a reporter’s question about Israel with a recommendation that people do their own research is now on his way to the Holy Land to report on “Average Joes” in the region for pjtv.com. While I’m sure Joe is incredibly skilled when it comes to conversing with average people, Israeli plumbers have to deal with the duel problem of pipe clogs and pipe bombs all in the same day, so he might be a little out of his element.

It’s not that I want to discourage anyone from doing anything they’d like to do, and that includes reporting on plumbers in Israel. Nor do I want to in any way diminish the value of any American working man, but Joe the Plumber is fast becoming Joe the Most Annoying Attention Hound Ever.

I can only imagine where it goes from here. Joe will return from Israel just as an arch supervillain, The Clog, begins to terrorize major American cities with threats of slow drains and low shower pressure.

President-elect Obama and MSNBC host Keith Olbermann will come to Joe and plead for his help while simultaneously admitting they were wrong about him.

Joe will don a cape and become Joe the Superhero, and after a long struggle involving a lot of pipe snake and a riveting water pistol duel, he will defeat The Clog by throwing him into a vat of Drano Gel.

And from then on, whenever we need Joe, we can just shine a monkey wrench emblem into the night sky and he will emerge, driving a rocket-powered plumber’s van.

I understand what Sen. McCain was trying to do when he brought Joe into the spotlight. He wanted to highlight his concern and respect for working-class America, which is in itself an admirable thing.

The problem is he seems to have stumbled upon someone who wants to do everything but work to get ahead.

I’m not against writing a memoir or running for Congress or recording a country album either, but if you’re going to play yourself up as a martyr of the liberal agenda, you can at least try to act like you’re ready to get your hands dirty five days a week.

I know people, lots of people, who work until their muscles scream every day for far less money than they deserve; people who have stories to tell, people who might actually make good congressmen, but they’re not selling themselves out for a book deal.

They’re working hard because they believe that the job is about more than the money; it’s about the satisfaction of knowing you got there under your own steam. Joe, on the other hand, is too busy riding the steam of someone else’s failed White House run to worry about the good old-fashioned American work ethic that he claims to be so full of.

America, meet Joe the Opportunist.