Published: July 01, 2009 08:16 pm      

‘Transformers’ goes on the junk heap

Before I go any further, I would like to start with a little disclaimer. I’ve been a film critic professionally for just under a year now, and I do not yet think I have descended into the abject snobbery that possesses so many of my brethren week after week. I have a love for deep, profound, layered pieces of cinema that challenge the mind of the viewer, sure, but I also have a deep and long-lasting love for watching stuff blow up on a giant screen. I have faith in the popcorn movie, in the blockbuster, something I likely picked up the first time I saw “Star Wars” when I was three. We don’t always want to be intellectually challenged when we go to the movie. In fact, we usually just want something to make us smile.

So, after reading five days worth of bad reviews of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” I did my best to shrug off the opinions of snooty critics as I walked into the theater to see for myself. I mean, it’s a movie about giant robots from another planet, for crying out loud! How enlightening can you expect it to be?

Two and a half hours later, I walked out of the theater somewhat flabbergasted. Though they may have been a bit hyperbolic in their hatred, most of those critics were right. “Transformers” takes everything we loved about its predecessor and makes it a caricature, right down to putting a set of testicles on a mega-destructive super robot. It’s corny, it’s sloppy, it’s incomprehensible, and sometimes it’s just downright offensive.

If you’ve seen the flick already, and you’re having trouble seeing it my way, I’d like to give you a little Hollywood insider info: director Michael Bay was reportedly given a budget of $200 million for this film. Let that sink in for a second: Two … Hundred … Million … Dollars. When you watch the film, or when you replay it in your head after seeing it, I want you to think about all the things you could do if you had $200 million dollars, and ask yourself, was this giant hunk of shapeshifting metal really worth it?

Though in a film like this, the plot really doesn’t matter all that much, let me fill you in a bit. Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is just beginning to settle back into a normal life after alien robots nearly killed him in the last movie. He’s still with mega-hottie Mikaela (Megan Fox), he’s still got an awesome yellow Camaro (which is really a Autobot named Bumblebee), and he’s about to head off to college in the beautiful American Northeast. But hey, remember that cube they had to destroy in the first flick? Turns out a piece of stuck to Sam’s shirt (which he apparently still hasn’t washed). When he takes the shirt out of his closet, he finds the shard, which imprints his brain with freaky alien symbols and turns all of his kitchen appliances into evil robots.

Meanwhile, in another part of the world, the surviving Autobots from the first film, along with a few new ones, led by the awesome Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen), are still weeding out Decepticons left and right. After tearing up half of Shanghai, their latest victim gives them a cryptic message regarding the return of something called “The Fallen.”

So, long story short, Prime and Sam meet up again, and Sam is once again pulled into an alien robot war, along with his new roommate (Ramon Rodriguez), Mikaela, and Bumblebee. As the images in his brain keep giving him nervous breakdowns, he comes to discover that arch-villain Megatron (Hugo Weaving) is back in business, and wants what’s in his head, apparently because it’s a map to something really important. In order to find out what, Sam tracks down Agent Simmons (John Turturro), now out of the big government biz and working in a deli, who tells him the Transformers have in fact been on earth far longer than anyone knew.

I’m not going to bother explaining the rest, partly because I don’t have space and partly because there were times when I even had no clue what on earth was happening in this movie. Instead, I’ll just issue a warning: do not think too hard about the last 45 minutes of this movie. If you do, your head will explode from the stupid waves bombarding your brain.

But hang on, I did not hate everything about this movie. Bay managed to somehow tone down his shaky cam action sequences (albeit not by much), and the robot fights look far better than they did the first time around. Turturro carries many of the film’s laughs with his usual scene-stealing mastery, and there are, believe it or not, plenty of big moments in this flick that are actually, well … cool.

But, back to the bad stuff. Remember that really annoying, ebonics-speaking Autobot from the first flick (his name was Jazz, I believe)? Well, this time Bay decided to replace him with two annoying, ebonics-speaking Autobots. Yes, boys and girls, it’s twice the annoyance, twice the crassness, and twice the derogatory language than before! Mudflap and Skids have already caused a bit of a media stir due to their stereotypical characterizations (one has a gold tooth, and one admits he can’t read). Bay has responded to these allegations by assuring everyone the characters are just good clean fun, and that he did it “for the kids.” Readers, please excuse, but if you think good clean fun is having robots refer to each other with terms like “punk-ass,” then I really wouldn’t want you anywhere near my kids or anyone else’s kids.

And the acting … well, aside from Turturro (who I have never seen a bad performance from), it’s pretty much nonexistent. LaBeouf seems interested in little more than seeing how fast he can talk, and Fox, well, she might be talented, but until Bay stops directing her like she’s in a beer commercial (Daisy Duke cut-offs, motorcycle and all), I won’t really be able to tell what she can do.

I could really go on for several more pages writing about why this film is bad, but I don’t really think it matters. The film is going to make approximately 17 gajillion dollars whether me, Roger Ebert or anyone else hated it or not, but I think it’s important to understand that there is a difference between films that are just plain fun and films that are just plain mind numbing. Believe it or not, it is possible for gigantic action movie to be both extremely entertaining and maintain some semblance of intelligence, and the reason I know that is that even the first “Transformers” movie managed to pull it off pretty well. Yes, I love explosions, giant robots and sexy heroines as much as the next guy, but don’t insult me by making me watch a tiny Italian robot hump a chick’s leg and try to pass it off as wit, and don’t insult the six year old sitting next to me either.

Again, I’m not a snob. I love blockbusters, and I’m not mad because the flick was a giant hunk of exploitation, I’m mad because I can see how it could have been so much more.

Matt’s Call: Chances are you’ve probably already dropped cash on this one, and chances are more than a few of you found it a perfectly acceptable flick. I can’t help you there, but neither can I stray from my own cinematic passions. Let us hope the third film in this series (oh, you know it’s coming) can transform into something more palatable to those of us with at least half a brain.